


The Tail of Eggsy Unwin

by agentgalahad



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Humor, Harry doesn't know it's Eggsy, Harry gives Eggsy baths and treats, Harry rants about his problems including that he's head over heels for him, Harry takes Eggsy Home, M/M, Romance, puppy eggsy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 23:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentgalahad/pseuds/agentgalahad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The door opened and there stood Harry Hart, looking as fucking handsome as usual. Eggsy looked up at him, cocking his little face at the man and making his eyes big and round in a way that he knew was fucking adorable and utterly irresistible.</p>
<p>“Hello,” Harry said, hesitating only a moment before leaning down and fingering the area beneath Eggsy’s chin, looking for a collar. “Huh,” was all he said when he found nothing.</p>
<p>Eggsy wagged his tail as Harry petted his head absentmindedly.</p>
<p>Finally, Harry shrugged before scooping Eggsy up beneath his middle and carrying him inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Eggsy fingered the lock pick in his hand, trying desperately to fit it into the keyhole binding his wrists together while a man with way too much facial hair paced in front of him, monologuing until there was no fucking tomorrow. Behind the man was an enormous vat of bubbling electric blue liquid, topped off with an equally enormous ray zapper thingy pointed directly at Eggsy that looked as if had come straight out of a cartoon.

“Galahad, we’re doing an analysis on the contents inside that tank,” Merlin muttered into his ear. “Keep your eyes on it.”

“-once they realize what I’ve created, it’ll be too late!” the man cackled, throwing his hands up into the air in triumph.

“What the fuck…” Merlin muttered. “It seems to be some sort of biochemical fluid that reacts and transforms cells and… oh fuck, Eggsy, you have to get the fuck out of there, right now! Kill Dr. Daedus while you’re at it, will you?” Merlin hissed. Eggsy grimaced, biting back a string of curse words. The man’s back was turned to him, and so he took the opportunity to jam the pick into the lock, twisting it and pivoting it until he heard the satisfying quiet click of the lock.

But it wasn’t quiet enough.

The man spun around just as Eggsy ripped the cuffs off. Dr. Daedus made a leap for the control system just as Eggsy whipped out the gun he had kept hidden underneath his dress shirt. Dr. Daedus had only done a basic weapons check. Stupid.

The shot rang out in the warehouse just as the man slammed his fist on the button.

Nothing happened.

Eggsy watched as red blossomed from Dr. Daedus’s chest, spreading downwards as he stumbled, clutching his chest. Eggsy shrugged apologetically. Not that he was really that sorry.

But before the man’s eyes glazed over, he smiled. A really fucking-ass creepy smile.

Eggsy’s face fell as he felt a painful tingling sensation spreading throughout his body.

“Get out of the fucking way!” Merlin hollered in his ear.

Eggsy bolted to the side, making for the exit, the pins-and-needles feeling travelling all the way to his toes and the tips of his ears. He snarled, pushing himself faster until he burst out of the warehouse and into the bright sunshine of Florida. A plain-looking car waited for him a block away, parked beside the curb in a no-parking zone. He jumped in and the car sped away.

Eggsy just managed to buckle himself in when the tingling worked its way to his forehead and he suddenly blacked out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“He’s waking up!” a familiar voice called as Eggsy shifted from his position on the hospital bed. He blinked blearily, wincing at the bright white lights of the infirmary.

“Nngh,” Eggsy groaned. His tongue felt like a piece of wet cotton.

“Eggsy, oh my god, you scared the crap out of everyone,” the same voice exclaimed, her face swimming in and out of Eggsy’s vision. Slick, perfect ponytail, sharp cheekbones and warm brown eyes. Roxy.

“Roxghthy,” Eggsy managed. He opened his mouth, making a face. He snapped his mouth shut and rolled his tongue a couple of times. It helped. “Roxy.”

“Do you need water?” she asked, already bringing the straw to a glass of water to his lips. He nodded gratefully. A moment later, two figures burst through the door.

“Holy jesus, Eggsy,” Merlin said, shaking his head. “You gave us quite a fright. No injuries but you were out for three whole days. Would’ve been a lot of extra paperwork I could do without,” Merlin mused.

_Three whole days?_

Eggsy turned his gaze to the second man, a pleasant, warm sensation growing in his chest. Harry approached the bed carefully, eyes wide and lips pursed into a thin line. Roxy cleared her throat and took a step back, giving Harry some space.

“Don’t. Ever. Do. That. Again,” Arthur murmured, patting Eggsy’s head gingerly. Eggsy grinned. Or tried to, anyways. The look that Harry was giving him made his chest squeeze.

“Sure thing, Harry.”

“Good.” Harry sighed, running a hand through his dark chocolate brown hair. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, actually,” Eggsy responded truthfully. Other than his tongue, and a sharp-ish pain throbbing from his tailbone, he was feeling great now that he thought about it. And he must’ve bruised his tailbone after falling or something like that.

“Eggsy.”

“No, I’m serious, bruv. I feel really good, actually.” Eggsy smiled. “I swear.” He tilted his head on the pillows. “I feel like I could do another mission right now.” Merlin laughed.

“Not for a while, I’m afraid. You’re ordered to stay in bed for another week at least, and another three weeks after that until you can take a mission. We don’t know what that serum did to you.”

“Serum?” Eggsy asked.

“The blue liquid inside the tank,” Merlin answered.

“Oh.” Eggsy frowned. “Any ideas what it might’ve been?” Merlin shook his head.

“Don’t know yet. By the time you left though, nearly three-quarters of it disappeared… probably into you.”

“Well… nothing’s happened to me yet, right?”

“Correct, which is why you need to be here another few days so we can keep an eye on you just in case something did happen.” Eggsy tried to ignore the nervous tinge to Merlin’s voice. Merlin glanced at his watch. “Well, Lancelot and I have some work to do, so we’ll leave you with Harry for now.” He shot the two men a cheeky smile before putting a hand on Roxy’s shoulder and guiding her out of the infirmary.

“Well then,” Harry said, breaking the long silence that followed after the door swung shut. He shifted uncomfortably, looking unsure of what to do.

It was fucking adorable.

“Sit,” Eggsy commanded, patting the spot on the bed beside him. Harry simply raised an eyebrow before complying. Eggsy’s heart fluttered briefly, but he scolded himself. Harry would never think of Eggsy in _that_ way, the way he wanted him so, so badly to.

The conversation turned to other matters after that, and Eggsy noticed that Harry had relaxed visibly,

even cracking a true smile every once in a while.

And it sure was one heck of a smile.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Eggsy, you must be out of your mind. Merlin’s going to kill you,” Roxy whispered, leaning down to hear her friend’s next words as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

“Come _on_ , Rox. There’s nothing wrong with me. Besides, I’m out of bed tomorrow anyways. One day won’t hurt. Make that…” Eggsy glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. “Seven hours, actually. And I’m just going to go home, so at least I can pass out on my own bed.”

“Well, what do you want me to do?” she asked, finally relenting. She could feel his restlessness, the way he felt lying in bed for an entire week for no noticeable reason.

“Just distract him while I make a break for it or summit, and if he finds me gone and freaks out just tell him.”

“What? Why me?”

“Because he _looooves_ you, Rox,” Eggsy teased. Roxy turned a pretty shade of pink.

“Does not. _Anyways_ ,” she continued, hastily changing the topic. “If I get my arse impaled on the front gate, you so owe me.”

Just as Roxy turned to leave, Eggsy called to her, nearly shaking with laughter.

“Your arse won’t be impaled on the front gate, Rox. It’ll be impaled on Merlin’s co-”

Roxy threw a jar of cotton swabs at him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Eggsy snuck out of the infirmary a half hour later, right after he knew Merlin was checking on him on the security camera. He slipped into a pair of sweats and a tee before taking the tube to the tailor shop.

When he arrived home, he was greeted by squealing and big kisses from his little sister and a tight hug from his mum. JB was snoozing in Eggsy’s room, having stayed with the family while Eggsy was on his mission.

After his mum made them dinner, he played dress-up with Daisy before sweeping her up and delivering her to bed as soon as she started yawning, despite all her protests. Eggsy himself went to bed a few hours later, before midnight.

As soon as he closed his eyes though, a jolt of pain caused him to gasp loudly. A familiar stinging, prickling sensation began buzzing underneath his skin.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” Eggsy muttered, reaching for the distress dial resting on his bedside table. Before he could make it though, the feeling travelled up to his forehead, and the world turned black.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Eggsy opened his eyes, he was confused as fuck. Everything was a strange colour. And then there was the fact that his head felt like it had been nailed into a wall with a sledgehammer before getting run over by a truck carrying anvils with spiked wheels. He groaned.

What the fuck?

He made a noise.

It came out as a tiny, high-pitched whimper.

He tried to speak.

It came out as a bark.

No. No fucking way.

Eggsy tried to peer at himself, but all he could see was golden fur splotched with white.

And then he found himself face to face- literally, like eye-level to a familiar looking pug with a happy grin on his face.

_Master Egg!_ the pug yipped.

_J… JB?_

_Hahahahahaha doggy!_ JB replied cheerfully. JB began sniffing at his arse and Eggsy biffed him on the head with a golden paw- oh fuck, he had paws. 

_Damnit! What the fuck… oh, I get it, I must be fucking dreamin’ this shit._ Eggsy glanced around before getting up- holy fuck, four legs… this sure was a fucking strange-ass dream. He leaped off the bed, scrabbling for purchase on the smooth wood floor. He launched himself at the wall, ramming his head into it. Pain exploded from his head, but he didn’t wake up.

What the actual fuck was this? He could talk to JB, he had paws, and he was a fucking puppy or something. He cocked his head to the side, suddenly curious. He padded towards the mirror hanging in his walk-in closet, using his nose to nudge open the door. God, this was strange. He was so fucking small. Everything seemed huge. Was this what it was like to be JB?

He took a good look at himself in the mirror.

Oh yeah. He was a fucking corgi. And he was fucking adorable. He wagged his tail a little- oh fuck, he even had a tail.

But this still didn’t explain what the fuck was going on. He must’ve been dreaming.

And then it hit him.

The biochemical.

_Fuck._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy gets kicked out of the house and whoop-de-doo goes on an adventure. AN: I have muchrespect for any Humane Society, and do not mean any offense.

 

Before Eggsy could do anything else, the door creaked open behind him. He whirled around as fast as he could, four legs making it slightly more difficult to maneuver his entire body. Oh god, this was so  fucking weird. 

A giant pink puff stared down at him.

No. It wasn’t a giant, nor was it a puff, although definitely swathed in pink. It was Daisy. His little sister gaped at him, tiny fingers pressed to her chubby pink cheeks in over-the-top shock. She let out a high-pitched gasp, eyes wide and curious. Eggsy would bet good money that this little munchkin was going to be a mighty good actress one day.

“Puppy!” she squealed, tromping towards him in her fluffy pink tutu. She grabbed for Eggsy, but he managed to duck away and scamper underneath the bed. He peered up at the frightening mass of sugary, loud but cute girl, tail between his legs. JB was laughing somewhere near by, screw him.

They stared at each other.

“Puppy?” Daisy asked, more gently, sticking out a fat little hand under Eggsy’s nose. He hesitated

before nudging it briefly. She beamed. “Where Eggy?” she asked suddenly, flipping around to look up at the empty bed. “Mummy made brekky for Eggy. Where Eggy?”

Egg here!  JB yipped, trotting happily to Daisy. Daisy stuffed a hand between JB’s ears thoughtfully, before turning her gaze to Eggsy. 

She knelt down, looking him directly in the eye. 

“Eggy,” she said, pointing straight at him, understanding shining in her eyes. 

Well, apparently toddlers really  did have some strange power to communicate with animals. Or annoying pugs, anyways. 

Without another word, Daisy reached forward and pulled Eggsy into her arms, skipping out of the room with JB at her heels, jostling him rather painfully with every bounce.

Hahahahahahahaha, JB laughed. Eggsy recognized the sound now- a huffy noise that JB often made after Eggsy tripped or some such. Bloody tosser.  I wonder what you’ll look like with blue mascara and green eyeshadow. JB looks good in black y’know. Real sexy.

Shut up,  Eggsy barked at him. God, this was so. Fucking. Weird. 

“Daisy, baby, bacon’s on the table- what the… sweets, is that a puppy?” Michelle asked as Daisy brought him into the kitchen. She nodded cheerfully.

“Eggy!” she cried. 

“Where… did it… come from?” Michelle asked carefully, unbelieving of a puppy just appearing out of nowhere. That made the two of them.

“No, no,” Daisy hollered, shaking her head. She pointed at Eggsy’s head. “ Eggy.”

And that’s when Eggsy smelled the bacon.

It occurred to him that he probably should’ve been able to smell it earlier, but maybe his doggy senses weren’t quite fully developed yet. And besides, he was starving.

But anyways, one second he was in Daisy’s arms, and the next he was snarfing down an entire platter of bacon. Michelle shrieked, grabbing for him, but he darted out of the way, just out of reach. Daisy and JB were both howling with laughter. Literally. 

“Young lady!’ Michelle yelled, face red. “You take that puppy out of the house, this instant!” Daisy’s face fell. 

“But… Eggy…”

“No! Out, right now!” Michelle commanded, waving her off.

Daisy looked so dejected that Eggsy couldn’t help but whimper, ears turned down. Even JB had stopped laughing. Daisy finally nodded, climbing onto one of the dining room chairs just so she could reach up and collect Eggsy. She took him into the foyer of the house, opening the door and walking solemnly down the front path to the sidewalk. 

“Sorry Eggy,” she apologized sadly, setting him down on the ground. JB peered at him from behind Daisy’s legs.

Bye Egg. See you later.  JB stuck out his tongue, wagging his tail twice before retreating back into the house. 

Daisy cast him one more sorry look before shutting the door in his face. 

 

 

* * *

 

Eggsy just stood there for what felt like an eternity. He had just been kicked out of his own house by his baby sister. 

Irony was such a bitch. 

Eggsy had no idea what to do now. Home meant safety, home meant a way to contact Kingsman… Kingsman! Of course. Why hadn’t he thought of it before? 

Eggsy set off at a quick trot, nails clicking against the cement. 

It wouldn’t take him that long to get to the shop, would it? Only about a half hour. 

 

 

* * *

An hour later, Eggsy was ready to collapse from near exhaustion. It was so hot. And he was so thirsty, especially after all that damn bacon. Why the  fucking hell  wasn’t he there yet?

He looked up, trying to get his bearings, looking for the Savile Row sign that surely must’ve been above his head. 

Holy  fuck. 

He was like, only halfway there. 

But then he realized something with startling clarity. 

Harry’s  house was just two streets down. 

Before Eggsy could sigh in relief though, a voice shattered his happy thoughts.

“Get that dog!” someone yelled. 

And suddenly three beefy men wearing  London Humane Society uniforms were upon him. Eggsy yelped, before dashing off. 

“Hey!” he yelled. 

Eggsy made a break for it, propelling his short legs as fast as they would go. He bolted in a zigzag pattern, causing two of the men, who had leapt for him at the same time, to crash into one another. The remaining man finally managed to corner him in between two walls of concrete. 

Eggsy weighed his options. He could either stay where he was and hope for a chance to run, or he could try and run past the guy’s legs. Or… a crazy idea popped into his brain.

Eggsy took a running start before leaping up and pushing himself off one of the walls, parkour style. The man gave a startled shout before lunging forward to grab for Eggsy. 

Eggsy felt the man’s fist close over one of his legs, and then he was falling safely into the man’s tight arms. 

“You, my friend, have been wandering around for way too long,” he muttered. 

What? Had these guys been trailing him for a while? Damn underdeveloped doggy senses. 

If there was one thing Eggsy knew he needed to do, it was to get away from these guys. He squirmed and wiggled, trying to get free of the guy’s solid as fuck grip. No such luck. 

The other two men were approaching as well. Eggsy caught a glance of a small van that said  London Humane Society  on the side parked down the street. He began to panic.

He bit the guy on the arm.

“Ouch!” he yelled, nearly dropping Eggsy. The puppy gave one last wiggle and managed to tumble out of the man’s arms. He landed on his butt. By the time the man had looked up, Eggsy was already hurtling away, going as fast as he fucking could. 

He careened into a smaller street after crossing a road while the light was still green, darting past cars- it was fucking scary, but he managed. After all, he’d faced twenty armed men once weaponless. And the best part was that the three workers were forced to wait on the other side of the road for the red light to cross.

Eggsy nearly started sobbing when he finally found himself in front of Harry’s house. He began scratching at the door desperately, barking.

Oh god, what if he wasn’t even home?

But then the door opened and there stood Harry Hart, looking as fucking handsome as usual. Eggsy looked up at him, cocking his little face at the man and making his eyes big and round in a way that he knew was fucking adorable and utterly unresistable. 

“Hello,” Harry said, hesitating only a moment before leaning down and fingering the area beneath Eggsy’s chin, looking for a collar. “Huh,” was all he said when he found nothing. He glanced at the various scratch marks on his door, narrowing his eyes. 

“Where’d that puppy go?” someone shouted in the distance. The humane society worker. Pounding feet, drawing closer. Eggsy pushed down the nauseating feeling in his stomach at the thought of getting caught.

Eggsy wagged his tail as Harry petted his head absentmindedly. 

Finally, Harry shrugged before scooping Eggsy up beneath his middle and carrying him inside. 

Harry was practically a fucking dognapper.

Not that Eggsy was complaining, especially as he buried his nose into Harry’s chest. 

And he smelled so fucking good.

It was like a drug. 

It  was  a drug. 

Oh god.

Fucking corgi-thoughts. 

 

 

* * *

 

“Hello, there,” Harry murmured, cradling Eggsy close. 

This is fucking amazing, was the only thought in Eggsy’s mind as he inhaled Harry’s scent.

“What’s your name, hm?” Harry crooned, voice low and soothing. If Eggsy had been human, he was sure he would be a moaning mess of sweet bliss from just hearing Harry talk to him like that. He mentally slapped himself, but it was one-hundred-and-one percent fucking useless. 

Eggsy gazed up at Harry, the older man’s dark eyes soft and gentle.

Fuck, Harry never looked at Eggsy like that. 

But then again, Eggsy usually wasn’t an adorable corgi puppy either. 

“Let’s name you… Eggy, shall we?” 

Eggsy’s mouth fell open. Eggy? Really? 

Harry took his reaction as a yes and brought Eggsy into the living room, setting him on the ground. 

“We’ll have to see if you ran away from someone first, though, Eggy. And then if not, I’ll take you to the vet and get you a nice collar and doggy bed, alright?”

Eggsy barked. He didn’t want to go to the vet. 

“Sorry, Eggy.” Harry stroked Eggsy between his ears, a thoughtful expression on his face. “You have the same colour fur as his hair, you know,” he added wistfully. 

Same as who?

No. 

No fucking… oh god, Harry had a secret lover didn’t he? 

“I could just run my hands through his hair all day if he’d let me. But that’s ridiculous,” Harry murmured, sighing.

Nooooooooooooo… Harry was in love with some bloody blond tosser.

And it wasn’t him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAMNIT EGGY YOU STUPID OF COURSE ITS YOU AGH.  
> Once again, I only write true accounts of true happenings on the behalf of the characters. Not my fault. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Huehuehuehuehuehuehue

 

A loud knock sounded from the front door. Harry glanced out the large bay windows and scooped Eggsy up before hiding him behind the leather sofa in the centre of the room.

“You stay _here_ , alright, love?” Harry asked gently but firmly, poking Eggsy’s nose with his index finger. “I know you’re a good boy.” Where else would- no, could- Eggsy go? Nope, he was just going to sit here and be miserable, wallowing miserably in his miserable thoughts. Eggsy curled up onto his side and put his nose between his paws, listening silently as Harry walked to the foyer and opened the door.

“Hello,” Harry greeted pleasantly as he answered the door. “How may I help you?” he asked politely, ever the gentleman.

“Erm, sorry to bother you sir,” a familiar voice began, “but we have a puppy on the loose… and he disappeared down this street, and well, you have claw marks on your door, so we just wanted to ask…?”

“Oh,” Harry said, frowning. “That’s terribly unfortunate. I’m sorry to say I haven’t seen the puppy. I’ll keep an eye out for him, though. The claw marks are from my previous dog, actually. He died a few years back and I simply didn’t have the heart to refurnish the front door.” A mischievous glint shone in his eyes. “Would you like to see him?”

“Your… your dead dog, sir?” the man asked, blinking.

“Yes, just come right this way.” Harry opened the door further and led the man into the loo.

Eggsy covered his snout with his paws, tail wagging furiously.

There was a sudden, loud exhale, followed by a surprised “ah”.

“That’s… erm… awfully nice of you… to keep your… dog in the loo.”

“Yes, thank you.” Eggsy could imagine Harry just standing there, blinking innocently while that poor man squirmed awkwardly under his gaze.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll just be… going now, then.” A moment later the man passed by, walking rather quickly out the door. Harry followed at a much more relaxed pace, locking the door. He came back into the living room. He sat down on the sofa, sighing and continuing his rather one-way conversation from before, as if he hadn’t been interrupted in the least.

“It would be so inappropriate to pursue a relationship with him.” Harry patted the spot beside him and Eggsy trotted forwards from his hiding spot. He jumped but missed by a couple of inches. _You’ve got to be fucking kiddin’ me_ , he huffed. _I can do parkour and not this?_

Harry chuckled, and Eggsy froze at the unanticipated noise, staring at Harry in wonder.

He’d never heard the man actually laugh before.

And god, it was amazing.

He’d do anything to hear it again.

So Eggsy backed up a bit, and launched himself at the sofa, missing by only a bit. Unfortunately, he hit the leather face-first and came tumbling down.

Harry’s laughter deepened.

_NOOOOOOOOOOO WHY IS IT SO SEXY THAT SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED_ , he thought to himself, internally screaming. He looked up at Harry, tiny little stubby tail wagging and tongue hanging out of his mouth.

One more time.

Eggsy galloped towards the sofa, leaping with all his might. He made it onto the sofa, sprawling out on the cushion with his tummy exposed. Harry gave it a rub.

“Excellent work, Eggy.”

 

* * *

 

_MEANWHILE_

  

* * *

 

“Roxanne Morton, where in the fucking _fuck_ did Eggsy go?” Merlin growled, eyes narrowed and arms folded.

“I have no idea.”

“Must be at Harry’s.” Merlin immediately rang Harry, of whom picked up promptly.

“Merlin,” Harry greeted curtly, eyes dark and serious.

Said eyes, of course, defying the shit-eating grin he had on while he rubbed the tummy of a very happy looking golden corgi.

“The… the fuck is going on over there?” Merlin asked after a good ten second silence.

“I have a new pet. His name is Eggy,” Harry replied conversationally, as if this was completely normal.

“On that… note, do you know where Eggsy is?” Merlin asked.

“What?” Harry asked, momentarily freezing.

“Agent Galahad is missing.”

The two men were suddenly distracted by a loud yelping noise. Eggy had bounded up onto Harry’s lap and was looking directly into the Kingsman Spec frames, desperately trying to get attention.

“Eggsy… is… missing?” Harry breathed, face falling into an utterly terrified expression, as he attempted to shove Eggy off his lap. Eggy was preoccupied by trying to get the attention of a certain blonde haired female.

Eggsy could just barely make out a very faint, lithe figure on the lenses. Roxy had her hands clapped over her gaping mouth. Eggsy sighed in relief.

Roxy was a certainly clever little fox.

But then the feed was abruptly cut off as Harry ripped off his glasses and sent them flying across the room into the unlit fireplace. A small dent appeared in the poor brickwork thanks to the bullet-proof material that had saved Harry's life two years prior. And Harry's mean-ass swing.

"This isn't happening," Harry muttered, rubbing his face in his hands. He swore violently, causing Eggy to roll off Harry's lap in surprise. Eggsy tried desperately to regain his balance but despite his exuberant efforts, flipped off the cushion accidentally and landed on his face on the floor below.

Harry barely noticed.

Eggsy whimpered, tail between his legs. And he began thinking. Thoughts tumbled through his mind.

Why in the world was Harry so… affected?

_Could… could it be?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That took bloody forever to write. Sorry for the wait. And I also realized what a crap job I did on the first chapter because I am sad and beta-less.  
> Thank you all for tolerating and reading this… erm… crap. :)  
> -agentgalahad


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is a hopeless romantic. So soppy. Who would've guessed? ;)

Merlin was seething. Roxy could practically see the steam billowing out of his ears.

“What did I tell him?” he snapped, striding into his private office. She followed nimbly behind him, quickening her pace to match his angry gait. He turned on her, eyes blazing. It was at these times that she felt sorry for whatever poor sods were in Merlin’s bad books, Eggsy apparently now being one of them. “What did I tell him?”

“To stay in bed for a week,” she drawled, looking up towards the heavens for aid.

“And what did he do?” he asked, voice deathly quiet as he tapped away at his tablet.

“Not stay in bed for a week,” she answered with a sigh. “He’s probably at Harry’s house.”

“When I get my hands on that little…” Merlin grumbled. He opened the tracker app on the tablet. “Well, fuck me. He is at Harry’s house. Probably just got there, judging by the look on Harry’s face from earlier. Stricken, pining bastard.” Merlin pursed his lips. “I will flay Eggsy alive and deep-fry his skin,” he muttered. Roxy’s eyes widened and she let out a snort of laughter. Merlin spun around, expression livid. “What’s so funny?” he exclaimed.

“Don’t be pissy to me,” she retorted, tsking. “I’ve seen you at your worst moments, Teddy, so I’ve got files and files of blackmail material. Accidents happen all the time. Just a silly little slip of my finger on a keyboard… I wonder what the others will think of your Iron Man lunchbox.”

“You wouldn’t dare…” he hissed, eyes narrowing. She gave him a wicked grin, leaning in close. Merlin’s throat bobbed as he swallowed, lips parting.

“As I said… accidents happen, darling.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“No, no, no, no…” Harry muttered, pacing. He flung open his liquor cabinet, only to shut it moments later. He needed to keep his mind sharp. Where would Eggsy go? Home? No, he had just come from home. A pub, then? Where, where, where?

His com buzzed from its sad corner in the unlit fireplace.

To say that Harry nearly tripped over himself in getting to it was a slight understatement.

In the back of his mind, a nasty little voice whispered to him. This is a weakness.

He shoved it away as he regained his composure and slid the frames onto the bridge of his nose.

“Galahad.”

“Yes, yes, cut the bullshit. Just wanted to let you know that we know where he is now. No thanks to you,” Merlin added snarkily. He gave Harry a very knowing look. “Nice to know he’s safe.” Merlin hung up before Harry could further question the man.

Eggsy was safe. Safe. Fine.

Harry’s knees nearly buckled with relief.

The sound of nails clicking on the floor approached. He hadn’t even noticed Eggy’s disappearance.

Eggy peered up at him, head tilted, ears twitching and tail thumping. In his mouth, he carried a long length of rope, scavenged from god knew where while Harry was distracted.

“Clever boy,” Harry murmured, eyes softening. He buried his palm between the puppy’s ears, rubbing softly. Eggy grinned toothily, tongue hanging out. “You want to go for a walk?” Harry held out a hand for the makeshift leash and tossed it into the corner when Eggsy dropped it into his hand. “You’re smart enough not to walk in front of traffic, yes?” Eggsy’s eyes lit up, and his tail thumped even harder against the dark, oakwood flooring. Harry took his answer as a yes.

Eggsy was safe. And that was what was important.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Mud. There was mud. Everywhere. On his face, on his paws, coating his fur. Yet he still kept rolling in the stuff, so happy that he felt like he was going to explode from joy.

But then Harry came around the corner. He slowly- too slowly- took in the sight of the now dark brown dog, whistled sharply and turned on his heel, back the way he came.

Eggy was definitely fucked.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Why,” Harry began, rubbing his temple, “must have you rolled around in the muck, darling?” Harry asked, sighing through his nose as he rolled up his sleeves and carried Eggsy an arm’s length away up the stairs to his masterbedroom, nudging the door to the adjoining bathroom open with his foot.

Harry had called Eggsy… darling. Eggsy beamed inwardly.

Harry set to work filling the tub, fiddling with the taps. At the last moment, he added in a few drops of scented oil, filling the room with a lovely smell. Eggsy sniffed daintily, nose in the air.

“Cedarwood,” Harry provided, kneeling at the foot of the bath. “In you get,” Harry added, sliding his hands around Eggsy’s middle and lifting him up and over the edge of the tub.

It suddenly hit Eggsy that he most definitely did not want to go anywhere near the water.

Harry ended up manhandling him. Eggsy struggled, and soon they were both soaking wet. Harry cursed loudly, glaring at the state of his wet clothing.

Eventually, Eggsy calmed, and Harry started to wash him with some special shampoo with a puppy label on it, gently scrubbing his fur with large, warm hands. Eggsy sighed. This wasn’t bad. At all.

He must’ve died somewhere along the way to Harry’s house, because this was pure heaven.

And then Harry started humming.

It was a quiet, soft sort of thing, thoughtless. A little smile played on Harry’s lips as he bathed Eggsy in the sudsy water. And then he started singing.

It was the fucking most fucking beautiful fucking sound he had ever heard in his fucking life. Eggsy recognized the song at once. He sang along in his head.

“ _L is for the way you look at me… O is for the only one I see… V is very, very extraordinary… E is even more than anyone that you adore…_ ” Eggsy could have listened all day. Too soon, he finished the song. Harry huffed, dunking his hands in the water and wiping them on a towel. He sat back on his haunches, expression dreamy.

_Dreamy._

Harry… Harry Hart. _Dreamy._

“Oh, Eggy,” he murmured. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.” Harry sighed again.

Eggy cocked his head to the side, eyes inquiring, as if to say, _what do you mean?_

“I’m being ridiculous. It’s just that… that look on his face when I came back.”

Look on whom’s face?

“Those green eyes. He’s terrible. So terrible. I can’t stand it. But I can never stay mad at him for long, especially when he does that stupid smirk. Oh, he’s even more ridiculous than I am. That damn swagger.” Harry cursed.

Who was he talking about?

“You know, the main reason I took you in,” Harry mused, stroking Eggy’s ears, “is because you remind me so much of him.”

Eggsy’s heart started to pound.

“I even named you after him.”

Eggsy’s heart stopped.

“Eggsy Unwin,” Harry finally sighed. “The boy who stole my heart.”

Eggsy passed out in the bathtub. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I haven't forgotten all of you or my stories. I've been so busy, but nonetheless, it's a terrible excuse, and I apologize for the outrageously late and short update. Until next time.
> 
> -agentgalahad


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back  
> back again  
> i am back  
> back again
> 
> please don't hate me  
> i didn't realize it'd been a year already lulz  
> oops  
> i hope all of you who subscribed are still alive  
> to read more of this rubbish
> 
> lmfao
> 
> i must've been really high when i wrote this  
> high on life of course
> 
> don't do drugs kids

When Eggsy woke up, he was… warm. Wrapped in a fluffy towel, he blinked, smacking his lips. A huff of breath on his fur drew his attention upwards.

Lo and behold, Harry Hart dozed at his side, his dark hair delightfully mussed. One callused hand rested carefully on Eggsy’s stomach, comforting and reassuring. The tip of Harry’s chin brushed the tips of his ears.

Harry Hart was spooning him.

 _Harry Hart was_ spooning _him._

HARRY HART IS SPOONING ME, went Eggsy’s inner voice, screaming it over and over again like an endless, wailing siren.

Suddenly, in a vivid rush, the one-sided conversation from the bath came back to him.

_Eggsy Unwin, the boy who stole my heart._

Fucking hell.

He was half-sure this was all just part of some drug-induced hallucination, but then again, he was fairly sure that no drug could ever cause him to imagine Harry Hart to say such a thing. No, Eggsy was definitely and absolutely mad for Harry, but he never would have even _dreamed_ that Harry’d be interested in him in the way that he wished he was.

But now…

For fuck’s sake.

Stuck. He was stuck in this fucking corgi form. He was a fucking corgi. For fuck’s sake! He’d never been so unlucky in his life. Harry had confessed his undying love to a corgi. What had Eggsy done in his past lives to deserve this fucking shit?

Eggsy wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to cry his little fucking corgi eyes out or laugh.

First things first.

He needed to figure out a way to… well, become human again.

And he might as well try to do it in a way that would fucking blow Harry’s brain out.

God, not actually though.

Fuck. Too soon.

Basking in Harry’s godly warmth, Eggsy thought and thought, until he finally came up with a plan.

Since he had no scientific knowledge on how much longer he could expect to be a corgi, he would need to get Merlin or Roxy to run some tests for him back at HQ.

So he’d have to get Harry to take him to HQ.

That seemed like a good starting point.

Eggsy nuzzled Harry’s neck.

“Hmm?” Harry mumbled, coming to. Eggsy licked his chin, smirking inwardly. Even though he wasn’t human, per say, he was still Eggsy. The boy who had stolen Harry’s heart. And he was in Harry’s bed. As long as he had this kind of opportunity, he sure as fucking hell wasn’t going to waste it.

An evil grin rose to his face.

Stub-of-a-tail wagging, Eggsy wriggled out of the towel and burrowed beneath the covers.

He froze.

Harry wasn’t wearing trousers. As in, no pajama bottoms. As in, in the nuddy pants, minus a pair of red boxers.

 _Goooooooooooooooood loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord…_ Eggsy thought woozily as he took in Harry’s… package.

Package indeed.

Still dazed, he pawed at Harry’s thigh and burrowed forward, scrambling onto the hard-packed muscles. He wobbled, trying his best not to drool over those boxers.

And he stared.

Just stared.

And _smelled._

At least the corgi thing was good for something.

“Eggy?” came Harry’s voice, so muffled that Eggsy wondered if he was underwater.

 _Fucking hell, mate,_ Eggsy thought to himself, nose twitching. _What are you waiting for?_

And because he was an opportunist and  _ this was definitely opportunity calling,  _ he dove in, burying his entire fucking face into Harry’s crotch. 

“ _What in the bloody--”_ Harry shouted, jolting up in bed as if he had been electrocuted. He threw off the covers, scrabbling for Eggsy and pulling him away.

Eggsy whined, blinking innocently. He tilted his head and perked his ears for good measure, tail wagging furiously.

“No,” Harry instructed with a stern frown. “Bad Eggy. Very, very bad Eggy.”

Eggsy drooped, hanging his head with a soft whimper.

“Erm… well, it isn’t your fault, I suppose. You didn’t know any better.” Harry sighed. “That is a special place. It is reserved.”

Eggsy sniffed, as if to say, _reserved for what, exactly?_

“Reserved for… Eggsy,” Harry answered.

_Oh, for the all-loving fuck…_

The world faded to black.

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heh. 
> 
> poor egg. 
> 
> the next chapter is already written.
> 
> you're welcome. 
> 
> you might have to remind me to post though. 
> 
> because I obviously forget.
> 
> happy 13 month anniversary since I last updated lulz
> 
> missed you guys
> 
> okay bye <333333


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JB THE LEGEND MAKES A REAPPEARANCE

When Eggsy finally awoke, he found himself snug in the arms of Harry, shifting as they walked down a familiar corridor.

“Take him into a room, we’ll have Merlin take a look at him.”

Roxy!

They were at the Kingsman Mansion. Eggsy almost died of relief.

“He keeps fainting,” Harry said anxiously.

“You mentioned, Galahad,” Roxy soothed. “Multiple times.”

“Will he be alright?”

“Like I said. Multiple times. Yes, _he’ll be fine.”_ As they rounded the corner to the infirmary, she paused, brow crinkling. “By the way, what did you name him? You were muttering it rather obsessively. Do you need a psych evaluation?”

 _“I think he needs a psych evaluation,”_ came a voice over the loudspeaker.

“Shut up, Merlin,” Roxy said.

“His name… his name is Eggy,” Harry muttered, mouth set in a firm little pout.

Roxy, to her credit, didn’t miss a beat. “Eggy.”

“Yes.”

“As in…”

“As in, Ms. Morton?”

There was another pause. “Eggs?”

“Yes.”

“But with a ‘y’.”

“Correct.”

“I happen to know of another certain young fellow with a name suspiciously similar to that of your… pet.” Roxy cast a sidelong glance filled with meaning at Eggsy. “There wouldn’t happen to be any connection, would there?”

“An astute observation, Ms. Morton, an astute observation indeed. I cannot—”

“His resemblance to this certain young fellow couldn’t possibly have any correlation to just how tightly you’re hugging—”

“Hugging?” Harry scoffed, but his arms tightened around Eggsy all the same, and Eggsy sure as fuck wasn’t about to complain. Not that he could anyway. The point was that even if he could, which he couldn’t, he—ah, fuck it.

Roxy rolled her eyes, reaching for the door handle to a room. “Yes, _hugging._ You seem very taken with Eggsy—I meant Eggy, sir, Eggy. As I was saying, there isn’t any correlation—”

“Ms. Morton?”

“Yes, Mr. Hart?”

“As much as I admire your charm and wit, do shut up.”

Roxy smirked. “My most sincere apologies.” She pushed the door open and gestured for Harry to wait inside. With Eggsy still bundled up in his arms, he took a seat on one of the chairs and began stroking him.

“It’ll be alright, darling, don’t you worry. I’ll buy you all the treats you’d like…”  

Eggsy was basking in the warmth of Harry’s voice when he felt a sudden niggling sensation drill into the back of his head.

“All the toys you could possibly dream of…”

_Toys? Now that’s a nice thought._

“My poor Eggy. You can have anything you like, darling.”

Harry’s glasses blipped with an incoming message.

“I’ll take care of you, don’t you worry,” Harry said, ignoring his now beeping com.

 _“Harry Hart, get your arse out of there and into my office. Now,”_ Merlin ordered.

Harry shook his head in exasperation and scooped him into his arms.

 _“Without the fucking puppy,”_ Merlin yelled, so loud that the speaker squealed.

“Bollocks,” Harry muttered beneath his breath. Sadly, he gazed down at Eggsy. “I’m sorry darling,” he crooned. “Merlin the twat needs to satisfy his overbearing control freak fix, and unfortunately, I must comply as he has the jurisdiction to send me to Nunavut again.”

Eggy snorted.  

“But I promise that I’ll return, from the bottom of my—”

 _“Galahad!”_ Merlin screeched.

“—heart, and for all that—”

“It’s about Eggsy,” Merlin snarled over the speaker.

And Harry froze.

“Bye,” he said, setting Eggy carefully onto the bed and tucking a blanket around his neck and then sprinting full-speed out of the room, glasses knocked askew in his haste.

 _Wow,_ Eggsy thought. _That was fucking adorable. Wow. Wow wow wow._

His tail thumped on the mattress in happiness. That still felt fucking weird. The extra appendage. The way the strength of its wagging made his entire body bounce up and down. All four paws hanging in the air, still in the position Harry had placed him in, he struggled to roll onto his feet, paddling at the empty air.

And then Eggy sneezed.

And sneezed again.

And again and again, his entire little body shuddering.

He sniffled, the niggling sensation returning.

The niggling exploded.

Eggsy’s vision turned white. His veins filled with fire. His bones rattled and every inch of him ached.

_The fuck?_

And then Eggsy underwent the most painful transformation he had ever experienced. It felt like fucking puberty, all them wonky growth spurts and sore knees and elbows.

Except fast-forwarded.

By like, a fucking _million._

But then something in him blinked out, and by the time he was aware again, he realized that the ceiling seemed a little bit closer and the size of the room a little bit smaller.

Agonizingly slowly, trepidation weighing heavily on his chest, he wiggled his toes. And then his feet. And then he bent his knees and his fingers and his arms and finally—finally, he raised his hand from beneath the blanket and to his face.

It was pale and smooth and _human._

“Fuck!” Eggsy exclaimed aloud, both hands out in the open, running through his hair—hair! “Fuck yes!”

The door opened and Roxy walked in, dragging a lumpy brown mass on a leash behind her. “Took you long enough,” she laughed.

“JB!” Eggsy exclaimed, grinning at his pug. “Whassup? Whassup?”

JB glared at him and blurped.

Eggsy’s face wrinkled. “The fuck, bruv? I thought we was best pals. I almost shot you once, don’t you remember, you wanker? Didn’t you miss me?”

JB snuffled and blurped again, turning away.

“Aw, it’s alright Eggsy,” Roxy soothed. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eggsy muttered, pouting crossly.

“So, did you enjoy your time as a corgi?” Roxy asked.

Eggsy perked up times a fucking million, because, like, _fuck yes._ “Fuck, yes,” he said.

“I think Harry did, too.”

“Where’d Merlin take him?”

“Something about—”

Eggsy squinted, his vision suddenly going blurry. Roxy’s voice dipped out, muting. “What?”

“I said, something—”

Prickling. A horrible prickled travelled over his body.

“Eggsy, are you okay? You don’t look well.”

“Roxy—”

“Oh, shit! That is not pleasant to watch. You’re turning back—”

“Fucking again?” Eggsy asked, or at least, tried to ask. Instead, his voice came out as a series of yips.

 _Egg!_ JB exclaimed, bounding over to him, nails scrabbling on the floor in his excitement. _Egg is back. Hey, Egg, whassup?_

 _Fuck off, JB,_ Eggy barked.

 _You is nasty, man. Nasty egg._ JB huff-laughed, his tongue hanging dangerously close to Eggsy’s face.

 _JB, I think there’s summit we have to get straight here, alright?_ Eggsy barked, an idea suddenly hitting him. He might as well take advantage of the ability to communicate with him. _When I tell you no more treats, it means no more fucking treats._

_Why?_

_Because you’ll get fucking fat, that’s why._

_Why?_ JB snuffled.

_What do you mean, why? Because they won’t fit in your stomach._

_Why? Egg eats a lot much more than me does._

_Because Egg has a bigger stomach than you,_ Eggsy growled.

 _Ha!_ JB squeaked, snorting and snuffling and huffing. _Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no he doesn’t, not anymore! Ha!_

Eggsy growled. JB was actually a real fucking arsenugget, and he was about to tell him so, but the opening of the door distracted him. 

“Oh, dear,” Harry said, tutting. “Ms. Morton, you should know better. Eggy isn’t feeling well! We must not put further stress on the poor creature, isn’t that right?”

“Actually, Mr. Hart, JB and Eggy go quite a ways back,” Roxy said. Apparently, she was thoroughly enjoying his suffering.

“No, I’m afraid JB is aggravating my Eggy. He’ll have to leave.”

Eggsy grinned, tail whumping against Harry’s arm. He liked that idea.

JB didn’t seem to notice though, as he was still huffing away in laughter like an old geezer.

“Alright, Mr. Hart. Bye, Eggy,” Roxy sighed, leading JB out.

After they were gone, Eggsy noticed the sheaf of papers tucked beneath Harry’s arm for the first time, and nosed his way through them.

“Ah, yes, Merlin the twat tricked me into doing paperwork by mentioning Eggsy. It’s alright though, I can watch over you now.” Harry walked over to the bed and toed off his oxfords, propping himself up on some pillows and settling Eggsy onto his chest. “Sleep, darling.”

And so, with Harry's hand stroking every inch of him—god, that sounded a lot weirder than it actually was—he slept.

And his last thought was that maybe... maybe being a corgi— _Harry's_ corgi, of course—wasn't so bad after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lolololol I'm sorry I didn't update I've been so busy (jk i just forgot i'm sorry i still love you guys)  
> I think we are almost at the end of an era, my dearest readers. It was actually supposed to end this chapter but I added some stuff so it's probably the second last chapter. Possibly third-last at the very most. Luckily for you, I update like three times a year (still more than sherlock lmfao though let's be real fourth season sucked). So see you next time <3 <3 <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry does illegal things. Cos he melts people's brains just by like, existing. Like, shit, man.

Eggsy woke to the sight of Harry’s smile.

Fucking _hell,_ his perfection shouldn’t have been legal. Christ. Like that shit could melt churches, it was so angelic and pure.

“Hello, darling,” Harry murmured. “Hungry?” He fished a treat from his pocket and Eggsy snarfed it down, licking Harry’s fingers for good measure, cos, well, _opportunities._ “Spoiled little egg.”

He couldn’t help wondering how much time had passed since he fell asleep, because it didn’t seem as though Harry had moved. The paperwork appeared to be finished, all stacked in a neat pile on the bedside table.

_Finished?_

Well, fuck, then Eggsy must have slept for hours.

And, also, Harry never finished paperwork.

Eggsy felt a surge of warmth. Harry never finished paperwork, unless it was for _him._

“I think we’re set to go home,” Harry went on, thumb circling the crown of his forehead. “What do you say, Eggy?”

Eggsy yipped, scrambling onto his feet on the hospital bed and leaping onto Harry’s chest to give him a nice, wet kiss, cos, well, fucking _opportunities._

Of all the things Harry could’ve done next, like wipe his face, Eggsy wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that Harry would kiss his nose in return. _Twice._

Fucking ace.

And so if, when Roxy passed them by to see them off, he couldn’t seem to keep his tail from wagging, it wasn’t really all his fault.

 

* * *

 

When they arrived home, the first thing Harry did was change out of his suit. Night had fallen, and the soft golden glow of the lamps lit the otherwise dark house. Harry scooped him up into his arms and carried him to his bedroom, gingerly setting him down on the floor.

Eggsy sat in awe as Harry slipped out of his jacket, eyes tracing the sharp muscles of his back and shoulders rippling beneath the fabric of his shirt. In any other situation, he would have looked away when Harry began undoing his belt, but holy _fuck,_ there was no chance in hell he was going to waste this.

“Your stare is quite unnerving, Eggy,” Harry said, glancing sideways at him, eyebrow cocked. “I daresay it’s almost as if you’re looking for something in particular.”

Eggsy almost choked, cos like, _whatthefuck?_ Did Harry figure him out?

“Sometimes you remind me so much of Eggsy. The way you tilt your head in innocent befuddlement, as if you haven’t a clue as to what I insinuate.” Harry sighed. “A shame that he isn’t here at this very moment. The _things_ that I’d do to him.” Harry blinked, almost as if he couldn’t believe what had just come out of his mouth.

Eggsy, meanwhile, was having a hard time reacting because he was silently trying not to die.

_ILLEGAL ILLEGAL ILLEGAL FUCKING ILLEGAL AS FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT JUST HAPPENED WHAT WHAT WHAT_ rang through his little corgi brain and he briefly thanked the gods that he was sitting.

Toes curled, he let out a whimper. _Like what? What would you do to me, Harry?_

“Oh, darling, are you alright?” Harry asked, rushing over to him. When Eggsy looked up he almost choked again, because Harry was looming before him.

Without a shirt.

Christ, them _pecs._

Stroking his fur, Harry knelt and bit ran a hand down the back of Eggsy’s neck. “I’d ruin him. Those winks. God, how I’d ruin him.” Something in Harry’s gaze _darkened,_ sending red-hot sparks shooting through him. Eggsy was trying his very hardest not to pass out, because hot _damn._ Hot fucking _damn._

“Well, you’ve had a long day, and I think it’s time for bed,” Harry abruptly said, smiling and doing the innocent blinking thing that always made Eggsy internally scream because again, _ILLEGAL AS FUCK_. But now Harry stood, retreating to the other side of the bed. His speed with four stubby legs simply wasn’t enough, and by the time he scrabbled to the side Harry was on, Harry had already finished changing into his red robe. Or, as Eggsy liked to call it, the crackalicious Red Robe of Sex™.

But more distracting was Harry yawning. The little crease that formed between his brows as his eyes closed, the hand that went to half-heartedly cover it, and the little lip smack to finish it off.

_Christ,_ the police should have been running down the doors by now. Harry Hart yawning was too pure for this dirty, corrupted world.

Eggsy sprang with all his corgi-strength onto the bed, losing his balance and having to roll over to recover. Still, progress from the couch incident.

“Excellent work, Eggy,” Harry noted proudly.

Eggsy barked and nuzzled his way into the crook of Harry’s elbow. He didn’t think he’d need anymore sleep, but before he knew it, he was dozing, dreaming of skin and _pecs_ and collars— _collars?_ Christ.

But he woke up again, in the dead of the night, with a lurch, a feeling of dread and foreboding brewing in his stomach. His ears twitched as he got to his paws, nose high in the air.

Something unfamiliar tainted the air.

Something _dangerous._

Eggsy spared one glance at Harry’s slumbering form before making his decision.

He would protect Harry with his life, without hesitation.

And so he jumped off the bed, as silent as a wraith, a growl low in his throat, and quickly nudged the heels of Harry’s Oxfords together from where they rested on the floor. The blade shot out of one and he snatched it up between his teeth.

To get to Harry, whoever was down there would have to get through _him._

And he wasn’t a fucking Kingsman for nothing.

Corgi or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol okay in a moment of weakness I decided to continue writing. this was supposed to be the last chapter but obviously it is not anymore. i hope you all are happy. cos like 420 was yesterday and while i've never been high off of well you know let me tell you i must have been high when i wrote this christ what have i done ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter update in honour of the second trailer that was released via the kentucky derby  
> a lot of golden circle references :) :) :) :)  
> i basically have the whole plot figured out so if anyone wants their ear to be talked off about the film i've got you <3  
> erm what else  
> robodogs?  
> the beginning is some plot context for golden circle. and then it's corgi eggsy dodging lasers. that's the best part. that's it. that's the whole chapter.

Two years ago, when Harry had been shot in his adorable face, it had been his Kingsman specs to save him, being bullet-proof and all, because, you know, why the fuck not? In any case, after Eggsy and Merlin had traced the Statesman to their liquor shop in Kentucky and busted the fuck into their base (Merlin still had a little bump on his shiny bald head from when Agent Tequila had smashed him Harry-rainbrolly style into a whiskey keg), Eggsy, to be honest, should have known.

Should have put the pieces together.

Cos you see, when Kingsman went to the hate church, there was only a bright little stain of blood on the pavement to show that Harry had ever been there. And Merlin hadn’t told Eggsy that the body hadn’t actually been recovered.

Kingsman hadn’t been able to go recover Harry’s body until _after_ Eggsy and Roxy had saved the world.

Meanwhile, the Statesmen, being the lazy twats that they were with their signal jammers, hadn’t even bothered going to Valentine’s base.

But they _had_ gone to check out the church, mind you, after everyone had brutally slaughtered one another, since, you know, it was in their own fucking state.

And they took Harry. Cos it was literally like a thirty-minute drive from their base. Which is great, cos they saved Harry’s posh arse.

Though if Eggsy’s being honest, and honesty is important (ha, joke’s on you Eggsy lies at least three times a day, he’s counted), he’s still salty that Harry got shot in the face like, a _thirty minute drive_ from their base. Like, the fuck?

S’okay though, cos they found Harry and his butterflies, and Merlin and Ginger (who, whatever Merlin says, totally has the hots for him) made Harry a prosthetic eye and all was good. Even though the world needed to be saved a fucking second time in a row because, well, fat Americans and _soda pop._

Anyway, the _point_ is that despite the fact that the Americans didn’t know shit about proper martinis and had an obsession with jump ropes, they helped save the world the second time after Charlie the Dick dicked around like the dick he was. They helped him destroy all of Poppy’s bionic robot tech shit (which included Charlie’s entire arm, which was sick cos he was a dick anyway).

All of it.

So imagine his shock when he snuck down the stairs onto the first landing, trying not to drool over Harry’s shoe (and also trying not to accidentally stab and poison himself because that would be so not on), only to find [Bennie the robot dog](http://imgur.com/hevWZ0s) snooping around Harry’s house.

Nah, hold on, it was Jet, he’s the one with the perky metal ears.

Right?

Eggsy shook himself. The more important question was, what the _fuck_ did that dog think he was doing in their house—fuck wait hold on— _Harry’s_ house?

Before he could stop himself, a growl rose from his throat.

Jet froze at the sound, his mechanical neck whirring to the side and his eyes beginning to glow red and shit shit shit shit—

Eggsy ducked, flopping onto his belly and sliding down the rest of the stairs toboggan-style, Harry’s Oxford still clamped between his teeth as a laser annihilated one of Harry’s butterfly frames.

And that is so fucking rude.

Eggsy barked in fury and charged.

Then he realized his battle bark caused him to drop the Oxford so he has to dodge another laser blast before he could go and retrieve it.

And then he realized that Jet’s a robot, so what good would the deadliest neurotoxin known to _man_ do to him?

 _Fuck,_ Eggsy yipped, tossing the shoe aside. Shit, wait, he shouldn’t have done that, Harry gunna be right pissed.

 _I do not tolerate profanity,_ Jet replied, and what the fuck, Eggsy could never understand him before as a human, so how the fuck could a robot speak dog? What? The? Fuck? Fucking fuckity fuck more lasers, how many lasers, what the hell, Eggsy’s only got four stubby little legs and a stubby little tail he ain’t a cat for fuck’s sake he can’t balance for shit, this ain’t fair. Why the fuck can’t he shoot lasers out of his eyes? Bugger bugger bugger shit that was way too fucking close to his tail, the fuck—wait, if his tail got lasered off, what part of his body would that be?

Eggsy managed to flee into the bathroom.

And nearly screamed, because a very, very, very familiar face stared into his. One that he’d stared at it turn, except one of them had been taxidermy.

Mr. Pickle, in all his magnificence, sniffed in disdain, tilting his head to the side.

Eggsy wondered if Harry put something in his water dish. Cos he was hallucinating.

 _Preposterous,_ Mr. Pickle replied, sounding like Harry except a lot higher. Like, a lot a lot. Like a baby Harry except with big vocabulary. _Additionally, you have scorch marks on your behind. I’m Mr. Pickle._

 _Eggy,_ Eggsy introduced, still in shock. _By the way, I dunno if you noticed, but there’s a robot that can shoot lasers from its eyes over there_ —

And then Jet came around the corner and scorched the loo seat and Mr. Pickle’s eyes glowed blue.

 _Get down, Eggy,_ Mr. Pickle said calmly, and it was all Eggsy could do to leap into the behind the sink when there was an explosion, throwing him back a couple inches cos tile is slippery, okay?

When he peaked out from around the sink, Mr. Pickle and Jet were having it out Voldemort-Harry-style. As in, the lasers coming from their eyes were battling one another. Mr. Pickle almost lost at one point, but Eggy jumped out from behind the sink and tackled Jet to the ground. Though to be honest it was more like a little pounce because _short stubby corgi legs._

Either way, it distracted Jet enough for Mr. Pickle to gain ground.

Eggsy just had enough time to duck for cover when another explosion rocked the ground.

Grey smoke filled the air and Eggsy sneezed.

 _It’s safe now, Eggy,_ Mr. Pickle assured. _Come on out._

Eggsy shuffled out timidly, nose twitching. _Hey, bruv._

_Hello._

_Erm, listen, how’d you get lasers for eyes? Cos that’s rad as fuck,_ he rambled.

 _All I can say is,_ Mr. Pickle began, eyes twinkling, _stay in Merlin’s good books._

With that, he took a running leap, rocketing off the loo seat and then the sink counter and then back onto his shelf. Before Eggsy could say another word, Mr. Pickle sank onto his stomach and froze.

Huh.

Eggsy left the bathroom, hopping over the pile of melted metal on the floor and sparing one last glance back at Mr. Pickle.

He swore he saw the bastard wink at him.

Eggsy trotted over to where he had discarded Harry’s Oxford and scooped it up. He’d been practicing stairs, and now he could proudly say he was capable of going up them without Harry’s help. Though if Harry _wanted_ to help him, he didn’t have any reason to stop him.

When Eggsy got back into Harry’s bedroom, Harry was still fast asleep. Amazing. A fucking miracle, really.

He attempted to leap onto the bed, but his legs wouldn’t obey. Defeated, he curled up onto the rug and began chewing on his thoughts.

Only about two minutes later did he realize he was _actually_ chewing.

Chewing Harry’s shoe.

_Fuck._

His first thought was that there was a chance he was becoming more and more like a dog, and while being Harry’s corgi was cool, being Harry’s _man_ was even better. Because then Eggsy could actually _tell_ him how much he loved him. He needed to get back to being human, ASAP. Otherwise… who knew how long he’d be stuck as Eggy?

And his second thought, as he stared down in horror at the mess he had made of Harry’s Oxford, was that he was _so_ fucking not getting any treats this week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY DUDES JUST IMAGINE CORGI EGGSY DODGING LASERS like his chubby little body imagine it just do it ahahahahahaaaa im so ded at myself  
> in other news eggy is in soooo much trouble in the next chapter.  
> ALSO I STUCK IN A LINK OF THE DOGS FROM THE TRAILER VIA SOME POOR SOD'S IMGUR BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CREDIT THEM SO IF SOMEONE COULD PLEASE HALP THAT WOULD BE GREAT IT IS NOT MY IMAGE  
> thanks to all the naice people who commented. i really have no idea why the heck y'all are still reading this. I'm only writing it cos it seems to make you guys kind of happy? and that's cool. so. love you all.

**Author's Note:**

> Sweet baby jesus, I have no idea what I just wrote… I feel like it was utter rubbish, but anyways. Please tell me what you think and if you'd like to see more of this story!


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